11 Apr 2024 The Importance of Telling Children They Were Donor-Conceived

With the ever-changing landscape of modern American family life and the growing number of children being born via sperm or egg donors, the pendulum of public opinion toward this topic, once shrouded in secrecy, has swung toward acceptance and honesty. In the more than 50 years since the inception of assisted reproductive technology (ART), society has slowly adopted a more open and honest approach to telling donor-conceived children about their origin story, as research now shows that they do better in society knowing their biological roots.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) ethics committee now recognizes that the disclosure of the biological origin of a donor-conceived child may serve in the child’s best interests and states, “While ultimately the choice of recipient parents, disclosure to donor-conceived persons of the use of donor gametes or embryos in their conception is strongly encouraged.”

It is important to understand how being donor-conceived affects the donor-conceived child but also the adult they will become. Donor-conceived individuals have long reported a need to know their biological makeup. Studies reveal an innate human need to know where one has come from, and that knowledge becomes a part of one’s identity. Telling donor-conceived children of their biological origin story not only helps foster their identities, but it also provides a foundation for future questions and conversations while creating an environment of trust within the family unit.

Telling Donor-Conceived Children Early Fosters Healthy Relationships

When children receive information about their origins early in life, they are more likely to accept the facts as a normal part of their existence and self-identity. Telling them early and being open to answering any questions creates a foundation of trust and honesty between parent and child that is critical to the development of a well-rounded child. As we reported last year, a 20-year study out of Cambridge, focusing on the relationship of mothers and their donor-conceived children from birth to age 20 found that just 12.5% of children who were told about their biological origins before age seven reported family relationship issues. In comparison, 50% of the young adults who learned their origins after age seven reported having issues with their families. Children who know their biological origin story from an early age have healthier outcomes including less stress, anxiety, and depression.

Some young adults in the study even expressed empathy for their parents. As young adults, they have realized what their parents went through to bring them into the world, and that their story is a unique narrative of parental commitment and love. One young adult from the study states, “Maybe in some ways, I’ve become more aware, a bit more sympathetic to … the struggle my parents went through.”

Concealing Origins of Donor-Conceived Children May Create Distrust

In the fall of 2023, actress Kerry Washinton revealed that in 2018, after agreeing to appear on the PBS series Finding Your Roots (a television series that uses genealogy and DNA testing to discover the ancestry of celebrities), she learned that she was conceived using donor sperm. To participate in the program, Washington requested DNA samples from both her parents. Her parents, knowing the truth would come out if they gave her their DNA samples, decided then to tell Washinton their long-kept secret.

Washington tells The New York Times that she finally had an explanation for her disconnect with her dad and her lifelong feeling of not quite belonging.  She states, “I’ve always had this weird disconnect with my dad, but I thought that was my fault. I thought I wasn’t a kind enough person. But the idea that I was not his never occurred to me. It was just, why can’t I be better to him? Why can’t we be closer? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with us?” Although she felt empathy for her dad, she also felt resentment that the truth was kept from her for so many years, saying that she “was birthed into a lie.”

Concealing the truth about a child’s biological origins until later in life sends mixed signals and can give the impression that the child’s conception story is one of shame and something that should be kept in the dark. The discovery of lifelong deception or lack of transparency can create a distrust that permeates family relationships, can be difficult to repair, and can also affect a child’s relationships outside the family circle.

Washington goes on to tell The Times, “I do think it’s extraordinary how few rights I have as a donor kid. But that dissonance thing is something I want us to be aware of. To know that when we cause a person not to trust their instincts, we take away some major tools they have to operate in the world as confident people.”

New Genetic Testing Technology Makes Truth Hard to Hide from Donor-Conceived People

With the popularity of DNA testing kits and a new generation that has grown up on the internet, donor-conceived people may very well learn their biological origins despite parental efforts to hide the truth. Keeping the use of assisted reproductive technology secret has become a thing of the past, along with donor anonymity, as more and more donor-conceived individuals have turned to DNA testing kits. Many are surprised to learn they have genetic half-siblings as well.

Victoria Hill tells CNN that she took a DNA test over a hereditary health issue, when she became puzzled that neither of her parents had shared her symptoms. Instead of receiving routine results about her genetic health profile, she was shocked to learn the man she knew as her father was not her biological father and that she was conceived via sperm donation. Moreover, the sperm donor turned out to be her mother’s fertility doctor, who had committed fraud by using his own sperm to impregnate patients, creating 22 half-siblings to date. To Hill’s horror, one half-sibling turned out to be her high school boyfriend, whom Hill says she easily could have married. “I was traumatized by this,” she tells CNN. “Now I’m looking at pictures of people thinking, well, if he could be my sibling, anybody could be my sibling.”  Hill’s story highlights the potential consequences of secrecy and the profound impact it can have on one’s identity and mental health.

Knowing One’s Donor Story Fosters Emotional Resilience

Telling children about their donor story not only averts the shock of discovering their donor-conceived status later in life, but also helps equip them with emotional fortitude. Inevitably, future inquiries or misunderstandings may arise from relatives, peers, or the unexpected revelation of a half-sibling. However, armed with a thorough understanding of personal life narrative and its potential, the donor-conceived person is better equipped to navigate such encounters with self-assurance and positivity. Open communication along with telling the story frequently helps foster a sense of identity for donor-conceived children.

As children grow, knowing they are donor-conceived also provides context when they notice differences in physical or personality traits between themselves and their parents or siblings.

By embracing transparency and understating the benefits of early disclosure to donor-conceived children, families will be better equipped to navigate the emotional and societal complexities of donor conception and parenting. Laying a foundation of honest, transparent, and age-appropriate communication at an early age paves the way for emotional resilience, trusting relationships, and effective communication, as the donor-conceived child grows into secure and self-confident adulthood.

Please feel free to contact our expert team of fertility law professionals with any questions or for guidance during your fertility journey. We are happy to help.